Sunday, 14 October 2012

Love Truths.....



I have no qualifications for writing this, other than years of experience and observation of others, and an analytical mind!  Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but....



...in love, men mostly treat women much worse than women do men.  That’s mostly, not always. 

You can’t change people.  If someone is going to moderate bad behaviour to make your relationship work, it has to be their own choice. 

People either fancy someone or they don’t.  Chemistry is a weird thing; it’s either there or it’s not.  You can’t make someone fancy you if you leave them cold.  If you get super-dolled up (men or women!) they might think you look nice, but they still won’t have the serious hots for you.  However, you can work at bringing yourself to the attention of someone who hasn’t noticed you – yet … 

You have to work 10 times harder than normal to make a success of a relationship with any sort of addict, be the addiction drink, drugs, gambling, or whatever.  Is it worth it?  I used to think 'well, Sharon hung on in there with Ozzy, and came out the other side'.  Then I saw sense....



In any relationship, there is always one who kisses and one who turns the cheek.  Even if the power seems to change from time to time, one always loves slightly more than the other.


However bad it feels right now, you will get over it.  Every day you struggle through is a day closer to getting there. 


You know those magazine articles that tell you that if someone says ‘x’ they really mean ‘z’?  Like, if someone says, “I need a bit of time on my own, y'know, I just need a bit of space” it really means “I’m seeing someone else”?  You know how you go, oh yes, ha ha ha, that's so true!! – then, when someone repeats this cliché to you, you find yourself believing (hoping) that they really do just want some space?  Sorry, but you were right the first time – they’re seeing someone else.


You can’t stop yourself being in love with someone if you are.  You can stop yourself seeing them, start up distracting dalliances with other people, tell yourself its wrong and therefore must not happen, but to deny the love is pointless.  Once that roller coaster ride has begun, you can't get off until it's over....



If someone tells you they’re not looking for a relationship right now, it usually means they’re not looking for a relationship with you.


Women will leave a relationship if they are unhappy within it, although this might mean being alone for a while.  Men stick it out until they have another woman to go to.  So yes – sadly, there probably is someone else, or at least someone he hopes will soon become his 'somebody else'.


If someone is violent/threatening towards you, you should leave them immediately, even if it means sleeping on someone’s sofa for three months.  Staying with them will at best do lasting damage to your self-esteem, and at worst get you seriously injured/killed. 

If you've been lonely for a long time and you want to find a new partner, go and do a load of other stuff.  Anything - just don't make finding a new partner your main objective in life.  Such desperation is off-putting.


Recovery from heartbreak usually goes through five stages: shock, grief, anger, acceptance and resolution.  You can zig-zag between these phases, though.  You’ll also have good days and bad days; make the most of the good ones and do as much as you can to push your life on to its next phase.

Not sure where you stand?  Don’t spend hours analyzing someone’s motives/true feelings.  If they really want to be with you, you’ll know about it.



Loads of people have office crushes.  Don’t worry about it; it makes the working day more fun.  Much of the time, you probably wouldn’t fancy that person, in particular, if you met them outside work.  Some people meet their long term partners at work, but thousands more have ludicrous crushes.


Take heart - there really, really is  
someone for everyone.


If someone hasn’t responded to your voicemail message/text/email/message on Facebook, it’s because they don’t want to (in love, I mean – a friend might just be busy!).




If someone is hounding you and you’re not interested, tell them straight.  Don’t keep them on a string just to boost your ego/provide company when you’re lonely.  It’s cruel, and if they’re not getting the message, who knows; you could end up with your very own stalker.  Won’t be quite so much fun, then.


When life’s at its most bleak, remember this – you can fall in love again.  He/she doesn’t have to be the only person you will ever love, if you get out there and live and open your mind and heart to others.  You can be just as happy with someone else, and you will, if you allow yourself to be so.




Just for Men


If a woman tells you you’re ‘too nice’, it means that a) you’re a pushover b) she doesn’t fancy you, and c) you’re getting on her nerves.


A woman will be comfortable with you seeing her with no make-up and dressed in her leisurewear approximately two years before she will be comfortable with you seeing her in a shower cap.




Want to make her go off you?  Do these things:    Fart in front of her.   Tell her how attractive you think her friend is.    Let her down.   Don’t bother about her birthday.   Fail to keep up with personal hygiene.


‘New Man’ and ‘getting in touch with your feminine side’ is okay, but don’t let it slide into wimpy.  Wimpy is SO not sexy.  We were made to be different, after all (nb, the man in the photo below is SO not wimpy).




Most women have the same view of men who put it about all over the place, as men do of women who do similar.  It doesn’t make you look like a desirable Lothario, it just makes you look like an indiscriminate slapper.

Just because she's talking to you - yes, and smiling, too! - it doesn't mean she fancies you.  Learn to tell the difference between being friendly and flirting....


If I was a man I’d be extremely wary of a woman who kept stuffed toys/her old teddy/dolls on her bed.  Might mean she’s never grown up and is still looking for Daddy – or that she still believes in fairy godmothers and Prince Charming (translate: will have completely unrealistic expectations of relationships).




Women’s Stuff


Are you in love/having an affair with another woman’s husband/partner?  If he’s really going to leave her for you, he’ll do it sooner rather than later.   There is a world of difference between a man who’s unhappy in his relationship and falls in love with someone else, and a philandering jerk who simply likes a bit on the side outside his marriage.  Of course he tells you he loves you; you’re supplying the thrills and spills of romance he craves  outside his marriage, as well as the exciting sex.  Doesn’t mean he’s going to turn his life upside down so he can be with you all the time, though.


If you think you look fat in that dress you probably do.  But he isn’t going to tell you; don’t bother to ask.



If men just try to get you in the sack instead of asking you out, maybe you should think about the way your behaviour is coming across.


Just because you’ve just had your heart badly broken by one man, discovered the next one was a secret cross dresser, then experienced a no-man’s land lasting a whole year, it does not, alas, necessarily follow that the next man you meet will be an absolute peach.  Alas, life is not chick lit; we do not find someone good when, simply by having been through a whole bunch of crap, we feel we ‘deserve’ to.  Sometimes the hits just keep on coming.  A bummer, but true.  Mr Right often appears around the time we’ve given up.

Don’t believe all that crap about certain men being commitment phobes.  Just because they don’t want to commit to you doesn’t mean they don’t want to commit to anyone.

Being very attractive to men doesn't necessarily mean being happy in love. Sometimes, too much choice can be a bad thing.


Man leaves woman after long relationship.  She exerts usual break up behaviour while still in the throes of heartbreak - the lost dress size, the new hair cut, the great clothes that she can suddenly get into.  She then goes somewhere he will be, especially if he will be there with the new woman, to show him what he's missing.  BIG MISTAKE.  He knows what he's missing, he was with her for 10 years and he's seen her at her best, and at her worst, and all the stages in between, and he decided to move on.  Looking great won't get back a man who doesn't want you anymore.  It WILL, however, increase your confidence, make you go 'Yippee!' when you look in the mirror, however heartbroken you are, and get you some new admirers, so do it anyway!


Don’t moan when he falls asleep straight after sex; he’s physiologically programmed to do so, it doesn’t mean he’s an uncaring mollusc.  See it as a positive; if in a new relationship, this is a chance to go and take your make-up off (because no man wants to see his new lust object cleanse, tone and moisturise before bed, does he?).  If in an older relationship, it’s your chance to read a book/eat sweets in bed.





And finally….for both sexes….

Guaranteed to put off a new lover….


  • Fall asleep during the act.  Worse if heavily, on top of partner, and snoring.  (I speak from experience.  I won't tell you from which side).
  • Call partner by wrong name (it’s a cliché, I know, but more common than you might think).  (Ditto the above).
  • Keep a receptacle for bladder relief under the bed.  It doesn’t matter if the loo is four floors up – just don’t do it.  You may be thinking 'ugh!  Who on earth would do that?'  But an ex of mine went out with a woman who did. I believe the relationship only lasted a matter of days!



















Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Things That Make Me Go GRRRR - Part Two


....part one was posted on here on 21st August...



I used to wear high heels, some of which were quite sexy.  I did not, however, call them killer heels.

Yes, I too get annoyed and have plenty to say about fake reviews for books on Amazon.  I would, however, rather remove my own spleen than call them sock puppet reviews.  It is not only the fact that it's stupid that gets on my nerves, but also the way so many people have adopted the phrase, too - surely I can't be the only person who is fed up with reading it.  I suppose the people who latch on to such phrases were the ones who immediately started calling Marathons 'Snickers' without the slightest resistance, too, as soon as they were told to do so by some advert on t'telly.


I may be doing something for the first time, but I will never, ever be a newbie.  However, I quite like 'newb'.  Or, better still, 'noob'. 

I doubt that I would ever write an erotic novel, or even, indeed, feature much graphic sex in any of the novels I do write, but if I did I would not refer to them as steamy or spicy.  The coyness of such phrases gets right up my nose - it it's hard or soft core porn, have the guts to say so.  Or just erotica will do.  Or rude stuff.  Anything but these revolting, girly "ooh aren't we so naughty for reading 50 Shades!" type adjectives. 


If I see a book I would like to read that is free for a limited period of time on Amazon, I will download it.  I will not grab it.

Should I wish to express my opinion about something in written word I will do so without adding the ghastly IMHO.  If you are writing it, then obviously it's your opinion, isn't it, unless stated otherwise?  And why would you describe yourself as humble?  Is it meant to make you sound more likeable, or are you just not confident enough to state your case?

Women who say "excuse the mess!" when their houses are immaculate want lining up in front of a firing squad. Or who claim that they are 'allergic to housework', in a sort of jolly 'all girls together' sort of way, then when you go round to their house there is not a carefully plumped cushion out of place.  Do they do this because they want you to say, "It looks lovely, I wish my house was looked as fabulous as this!" or because they feel shallow for spending so much time on the maintenance of an inanimate object?  Either way, it's bloody irritating.

I am English, preferably, or British.  I am not a Brit.

Another example of the self-consciously 'whoo-hoo, all girls together!' type behaviour that I loathe: women who talk about having a big fuck off glass of wine! after a hard day - these are the same women who talk about 'going up to bed with Mr Grey!' (sorry, the second reference to FSOG in this piece), when taking the aforementioned book up to bed with them.  If you tell them that you are the one having a big fuck off glass of wine after a hard day, they say, "you go, girl!"  Excuse me while I puke.


I am driven close to the bursting of blood vessels by people who say 'I' when it should be 'me', especially when they think that you're the one who's got it wrong, which they so often do.  For instance: "Bob and Julie came to stay with James and I last weekend."  GRRRR!


One of my biggest loathes:  You'll be fine.  You know:  you're going for an interview, on a date with a new person, have to give a speech, are going for an operation, even - anything that you're worried/nervous about, so you express your lack of confidence to someone, and they say "you'll be fine" without having any evidence to support their claim that you will be so.  It's the worst of all platitudes - partly because it can give you the impression that you really will be fine, even though you probably won't be.  Fine.  


On Facebook, those status updates that say something like "Never thought things could get this bad...", and that's all - just so they will get at least 15 people asking them what's the matter - usually along the lines of "what's up hun? Inbox me.  Hugs xoxox".  If you've got a problem and you need to talk, why not just 'inbox' one of those friends in the first place, instead of making attention seeking status updates?


I know nobody will agree with me on this one.  I am a self-published, or an 'independently published', if you like, author.  I am not an 'indie author'.  I also hate it when people say things like 'Indie authors rock'!  No we don't, necessarily, not as a group of people; some of us do, some of us don't, depending on your definition of the verb 'to rock'.  Can you imagine if such writers as Emily Barr, Deborah Moggach, etc, tweeted 'Traditionally published authors rock!'  There would be an outcry, I imagine.  Apart from the fact that it would look really, really stupid, of course.

Oddly, though, I don't find the term 'indie record label' even remotely offensive; in fact I do not have any particular opinion on it either way.  Maybe it's because I just see myself as a writer; the means by which people get to read my books is immaterial.

I'm sure I'll think of some more.....