Just had an idea......

...... which is to start a mailing list!  I've shied away from this in the past because I thought it seemed a bit vain - kind of like, so, you're assuming that anyone gives a *?!%*!!!??!  But when I brought out my last book, Full Circle, I found myself going here there and everywhere informing people (those who'd expressed interest, I hasten to add!), consulting random lists I'd made on scraps of paper of people who'd asked when the sequel to Dream On would be available, trying in vain to remember which Goodreads friends wanted to know when a new book came out....

I'm on the first re-write of my new book (which will either be called What It Takes or Head First, not sure yet!), and I hope to publish this in late August or early September, all being well.  Later in June or at the beginning of July I am going to cut the price of two of my books for two or three days - not sure about the exact date yet.  After I've published the new book, my next project will be a collection of longish short stories, many of which are already written; I'd like to get them out by Christmas.   Then there's the novel in 1995 that I want to re-hash - it all takes place one Christmas day.... anyway!  If you'd like to know when new books are out, or see a preview/blurb/cover, or know when I've got a special offer on, please leave me a comment on this post with your email address and I will add you to my 'official' (!!) list.  I have to approve all comments before they are posted, so your address will not be made public.  If you have any problems leaving a comment, or if you would prefer, you could send me a DM on Twitter instead, or write me a message on Facebook - best not to leave a message on Goodreads as I often forget to look on there!

I promise I will only email you with details of new releases and special offers, and will not keep filling your inbox up with junk mail!  I also confirm that your email will not be passed on to anyone else.

I hope that is all you need to know ~ any questions please ask :)

And finally....

The Twitterscope - what's your Twitter 'sign'??

I used to be very interested in astrology, trying to work out what sign someone was as soon as I met them.  I was known for saying tedious things like "of course you're sceptical about astrology, you're a Taurus" - and I would smile with satisfaction when an adventurous, travel loving Sagittarian told me how much she loved a wee flutter on the horses, or when I watched a Piscean stare dreamily out to sea.  

I'm a sucker for those quizzes that tell you if you're an extrovert idealist, or an introvert realist, too - and, with this categorising-of-psychological-types fetish I have, I've also noticed the way different types of personality are expressed by behaviour on social networking sites, particularly Twitter.  It doesn't matter whether you are a writer promoting your books, a musician promoting your band, someone who just enjoys these sites for the social side - whether you're a book reviewer, a businessperson or a Belieber, your basic Twitter personality will still shine through!

(My Twitter friend E L Lindley has written a good post on this sort of thing, too - she likened hers to the different characters you find in the school playground, which I liked very much - here is her post:  http://ellindley.weebly.com/1/post/2013/05/which-one-are-you.html#comments)

This is not an in depth psychological study, it's just a bit of fun! It also refers to the avid Twitterer, not people who tweet once or twice every other day...  I gotta have something to work with, right??!  So forget the 12 signs of the zodiac - here are my 12 Twitter personality types - which 'sign' (or combination of two/three) are you??!

(for ease of reading, I've called them all either 'she' or 'he', though of course they apply to both sexes)

~ ~ The Twitterscope ~ ~ 

1.  The Friend

The Friend likes to chat.  Her first post of the day is often a "Good morning Twitter!"  - and she says goodnight, too.  She follows people from the #FollowFriday lists, and says hello to them when they follow her back - and all her 'hellos' are genuine, not those ghastly auto tweet ones that look really matey but are actually just churned out via some app, to all followers.  She doesn't just retweet your blog post, she reads it, too, and maybe even comments.  She tweets about her life.  She helps you promote stuff.  If you met her in real life you'd be mates.
The other side ~ Sometimes the friend makes you feel guilty because you fear you don't give enough back.  However, this is not her intention - she just has a generous and amiable nature.  Mostly The Friend is all good.  Happily, there are many of these on Twitter!


2.  The Socialite

The Socialite is similar to The Friend, but is more self-interested.  Some of her friendly overtures are to do with networking, rather than genuine interest in people, but she'll still be a fun Twitter friend, spreading herself far and wide. She probably has Twitter and Facebook and Goodreads and whatever else all connected, but is savvy enough to make her posts relevant to all sites.  She tweets less about her life than The Friend, more just social comment.  She understands the importance of social networking in today's online world, and will pass on useful connections to you, too, so can be a good person to have in your circle of virtual friends - it's not all about her!  
The other side ~ She will forget about you if you don't communicate with her.  She works from her interactions screen, not her news feed, so unless you tag her into a post she will probably never see it... or you...


3.  The Cynic 

The Cynic usually has one of those bios that says something like:  "Writer.  Blogger. Not as funny as he thinks he is", etc etc - one word descriptions, a bit dry, maybe even including some suggestion that he doesn't do bullshit.  If he thinks something you've posted is crap/pretentious/naive, he will tell you so, most articulately.  If you post a great deal of those so-called 'profound' quotes ('dance like no-one is watching', etc etc) he'll probably ask you how many times a day you visit the Profound Quotes website, then unfollow you.  He says things you think but don't dare say.  He makes you laugh.  If he's reading this, his comment will be "How come The Friend and The Socialite are female, but The Cynic is male?"  
The other side ~ Not for the faint-hearted - but at least you know that if he is telling you he likes something, he means it.  And you don't have to wade through any bullshit with him, either


4.  The Activist

The Activist may have started her Twitter profile to promote some cause, or she may not.  She does, however, click on the links to new articles about dead important stuff, and comment about it.  She'll retweet your article about the closure of libraries, the rise of UKIP, the endangerment of the world bee population, whatever, and find a few of her own, too.  She tweets for signatures for petitions, or even starts them, or looks for sponsors for charities.  She uses Twitter to spread her own message and those of others - she cares.  She really does, and she tries to do something about it, too.
The other side ~ The Activist's pathetic cousin is The 'Clicktivist' - she copies & pastes those 'raise awareness about autism/Alzheimers/bad hair days' posts on Facebook, but doesn't actually do anything at all. The Activist, however, is too often busy to join in with your larking about type Twitter conversations.  She won't give you a whole lot of virtual hugs, either - but I reckon that's a good thing....


5.  The Star

When The Star posts stuff on Twitter, people read, comment, 'favourite' and retweet.  He may be well-known in real life or he may be plain old Joe or Jane Bloggs, but his charisma breathes its way into your computer screen, somehow.  He knows that people will listen to him, and want to hear what he has to say, so his posts come across as confident.  It's not a big-headed thing, it just is.  His profile photo remains the same; it's his brand, but this probably isn't even a conscious decision; he's much too confident to worry about looking for a picture that will appeal to people.  He doesn't need to. He's good to follow because he's interesting and entertaining.  
The other side ~ You may not get a whole load of interaction from him, because you're competing with so many others.



6.  The Tutor

The Tutor wants to help everyone.  She posts articles that will help her Twitter friends with anything from book marketing to job interview tips, to being a social networking star to blog writing to gardening hints.  She knows her stuff, and will help anyone who wants to learn from her.  She starts off hashtags to bring Tweeters together for greater effect, new profiles to spread her word further.  She talks sense.  Does she just do all this because she likes to feel important/needed?  Probably not, but even if she does, so what?  Her desire to impart knowledge and help everyone to 'step up their game' benefits everyone who cares to listen.
The other side ~ Some may find her a tad dictatorial, offering opinions about the 'wrong' ways people use Twitter, for instance, and making you feel like crap because you're guilty of some of these alleged sins... but, hey, you want to learn, don't you?  Or you wouldn't be following her, reading her posts, signing up to her blog....


7.  The Entertainer 

The Entertainer is always worth following.  He posts not only informative, helpful articles about whatever subject most of his Tweep circle are into, but also funny stuff, cartoons, interesting news items.  He appears to have no other agenda, aside from the desire to amuse and entertain.  He probably spends a lot of time at home and doesn't have a lot to do, has a genuine love for the online life and loads of interesting sites on his desk top shortcuts from where he pulls all these posts. He's the host with the most - he takes an interest in what you're doing, too, taking an active part in the #FF scene, getting people together.  
The other side ~ Is he just building up this great Twitter following because he's got a book coming out soon and wants you all to buy it?  Or because he wants to sell his editing services?  Fair enough, if he is - there are worse Twitter sins!  Most Entertainers just do it because they like to share stuff, that's all - "hey, I've just watched this brilliant film, you've got to see it" ~ !!


8.  The Busy Person

The Busy Person doesn't have much time for Twitter, but wants to use it as best she can, because she wants to promote something.  She's probably got a very demanding job, maybe only actually tweeting 'live' once a week - she schedules most of her tweets on a weekly basis - this will probably include tweets to help promote her Twitter friends, too.  Once she's done a nice little tweet about your book or your blog or your business, you can be sure that it will appear twice a week for the rest of your life - she knows that marketing is not a one way street and wants to help her friends, too.  She'd talk to you all if she could, she just doesn't have the time!  
The other side ~ It can all seem a little robotic, can't it?  You might want to comment on something in her tweet, but of course she probably doesn't even have the time to look at her interactions.  She's not ignoring you...honest!


9.  The Wounded Soul

He wears his heart on his sleeve.  He may even have something in his bio that reflects some hardship in his life, so that you know where he's coming from - and I don't mean his physical location.  Sometimes his tweets say things like "Wish people would mean what they say..." - then, of course, some of his tweeps will say, "What's up?", which may be the reaction he was after.  When he's feeling strong, he posts things like "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".  He will be sympathetic to all your plights, too, ready with a virtual listening ear.  He chats to people a lot, and becomes bosom buddies with them pretty quickly, sending them virtual {{hugs}} and all the rest of it. Sometimes he sends you {{hugs}} when you haven't even interacted.  
The other side ~ Sometimes you just want to have a bit of a laugh, that's all....



10.  The Loner


The Loner doesn't chat.  He tweets about his book, or his poems, or his blog, or his model railway magazine, but he doesn't communicate.  He may well retweet you on a regular basis, but that is his only form of interaction, apart from the odd 'thank you' - if you do something for him (put him an #FF list, do a tweet about his model railway magazine), this is all he will say. Nothing that will give you an opening to chat further - if indeed he reacts at all.  He doesn't really like social networking, but accepts that he must do it a bit to promote whatever it is.  He's had the same profile photo for the last four years, but this isn't because he's building a brand, it's just because he knew he had to have one, that's all, so dug one up from somewhere.  Probably a nice chap, but you'll never know, will you?
The other side ~ When the loner disappears from Twitter - which he will, eventually - few people even notice.  He disappears because he finds that promotion via social media has not 'worked' for him.  He doesn't realise this is because he has never communicated with anyone...


11.  The Saddo

The Saddo appears in two forms.  The first uses social networking in an effort to get laid, albeit virtually.  His overtures might be overtly sexual, or just a bit pathetic. He will tweet things like 'hello how are you' with no punctuation, and without you having followed him.  He will try this many times, then move his attentions elsewhere when you fail to respond.  He's the sweaty Billy No Mates in the pub, the one who leers at you from across the room but daren't come across to talk to you.  His profile picture might be a section of torso or (in the more extreme form) the male genitalia, neither of which belong to him.  The less overtly sexual Saddo will use a blurry self-portrait taken on his mobile phone, or just the Twitter egg.  
The second type of Twitter Saddo sends spam-style tweets to both followers and non-followers in a desperate attempt to sell you something; this will be his only form of interaction.  He is very, very strange
The other side ~ You might feel sorry for him and want to befriend him, particularly if you are The  Friend.  The best thing about The Saddo is that he's not too hard to get rid of - a simple BLOCK usually works.



12.  The Robot

Whatever category you fit into, or whatever combination of categories, I can guarantee this one won't be included.  Why not?  Because the percentage of Robots reading this article will be zero.  The Robot is rarely actually on Twitter, and therefore rarely sees anyone else's posts.  She does everything via hootsuite and other apps that schedule tweets - and auto follow back, auto unfollow and probably auto wipe her backside; yes, she's the one who sends those infuriating 'thanks for following, here's my website' DMs that we all hate. She is not like The Busy Person, who gets the best out of scheduling; she only tweets about herself.  She knows virtually nothing about any of her followers, because she never sees their tweets.  She churns the same things out, mostly links to whatever she is promoting.  Occasionally, though, you will see one that says something like "How is everyone today?"  This, too, will be a scheduled tweet.  Sometimes The Robot realises she doesn't interact enough to make Twitter 'work' for her, so she gets one of those apps that add your name into the tweet, too: "Love your blog, Jane! Thanks for following".  Don't be fooled; she hasn't read your blog at all.  
The other side ~ I think I've said it all, really....

So what's your sign???  I'm not sure ~ I think I might be The Cynic with The Entertainer rising, and possibly Moon in The Tutor....!!



And finally.....

In some cases, it does need saying...!!
 

ONE FOR THE ROAD ~ and another for the pavement....

~~~~~

In the past year or so, five people I know have died because of drinking.  Yes, that's FIVE people.  All were under the age of sixty.  Three of them perished by way of a fall downstairs - bangs on the head from which they did not recover.  One of these was my dear friend John Sutton.  We'd lost touch over the past few years; I haven't actually seen him since about 2008, but we used to be very close.

This is him and me in 1997, the morning after his birthday barbecue; I've been thinking about him a bit this week, because he would have been fifty-seven last Wednesday, May 29th.....

..... which has led me to thinking about the whole alcohol thing, too.  

I've been someone who likes a glass of wine or five since I was sixteen. Drinking has made me do and say things I've regretted, spend whole days lying in bed going urrgh, but has also added to the fun of hundreds and hundreds of extremely jolly times with friends and loved ones.  I have 33 photograph albums dating from 1977 to 2007 - within these albums there are many, many pictures like this one, taken in 2000, I think (I'm the one in the red...!).  

Evenings like these were always so much a part of my life, and they wouldn't happen without drink being involved, would they?  Somehow, you just don't dance until 3 am on diet coke and peppermint tea. 

It's not just the partying, though, is it?  It's the long, jolly chats with friends. The in-depth natters over far too much wine.  A good film with a few tinnies for him, a bottle of Pinot for you - or vice versa, whatever's your bag.  Jolly dinner parties lasting into the early hours. The after work cameraderie in the pub. When I lived in Cromer, in Norfolk, life centred very much around the few pubs, which were all in a moment's walking distance from each other (Cromer is about the size of a soap opera set - living there is a bit like being in one, too!).  So often I'd nip out to Budgen for a pint of milk, bump into my friend Kathryn, say, hmm, fancy a quick one? - and there we'd sit in The Kings Head, for the next couple of hours, texts sent to partners to say we'd be home soon (though indeed 'soon' was but a relative term), more drinks bought by other friends who arrived.  Kat and I used to say, shall we go for a quick 'catch up?' - which became our mutually agreed euphemism for 'a bit of a sesh'.... 

Then there are the bad things about it.  Looking in your purse the next morning and realising you've spent thirty quid you can ill afford.  The puffy face.  The wasted day because you feel too rough to do much.  The conversation you can't quite remember.  Struggling through a day at work.  Worrying, sometimes, that you may have a bit of a problem....


About eighteen months ago I went off drinking.  I don't know why, it just happened, gradually, over a period of a few months.  Maybe my body just said, okay, enough.  I have become something I never thought possible: someone who hardly drinks.  Used to be that if I had two days running without a drink I felt pretty good; three days running and I was polishing my halo, considering myself well 'in credit' for the weekend....  now, I can go three weeks without a drink and don't even notice it.  Occasionally I do still have a few, usually by way of relaxing if I'm a bit wound up, and in the morning I see on my face what I used to see - the greyish hue, the blotchiness, the baggy eyes.  I feel tired and a bit depressed.  I remember how lovely it is not to feel like that anymore, and it stops me doing it again, for quite some time.  I like to write every day - I can't do that if I'm struggling with a hangover.  I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I have not become sanctimonious or disapproving of those who do still go on the piss, I hasten to add.  Sometimes I wish I still wanted to get through three quarters of a bottle of Blossom Hill white whilst watching The Apprentice.  It was fun.  If I meet up with old friends, I still crack open the bottles, just the way I used to.  Those times have become rarities, though.  


In the dentist's waiting room the other day, I read an article about women who drink, in a socially acceptable but excessive way, pretty much how I used to.  The author said that she and her friends were original 'ladettes' who had moved on to drinking wine at home now that they had children.  Although I am far too old to have been a 'ladette' (thank goodness), reading the article reminded me of myself, back then (apart from the kids bit) - an evening without wine was a bit boring and flat.  When I hear about people like my friend John, though, I am glad my body gave up on it.  


Life without drink is better, and I never, ever thought I'd hear myself say that. It makes you feel better, look better, sleep better, be happier, do more - and it's a hell of a lot cheaper, too.  In that article in the dentist's waiting room I learned about a website called Soberistas, for people who don't want to go into a room full of people and say "Hi, I'm Lavinia and I'm an alcoholic" but are concerned about their drinking and want to cut down.  Here's the link, if anyone wants to know about it: http://soberistas.com/  They're also on Twitter - @Soberistas

When drinking escalates, there comes a point when it stops being just fun and funny and starts being detrimental to every aspect of your life.  It creeps up, slowly, often without you realising it, affecting your health, your friendships, your finances, moods, love relationships, job.  I find the whole subject of destructive behaviour caused by addiction very interesting, which is why I wrote about being the partner of an alcoholic in the form of my character Janice in my latest novel,  Full Circle; it's taken from experience, sadly.  I've also written about it from the point of view of the drinker - the story of Sandie in  The Other Side.  Someone who had so many opportunities in her life, but bought a bottle of vodka instead...

And finally... here's another picture of John, taken in 1999.  

The woman he's with was a very good friend of both of ours, Yvonne, or Yuvvy, as everyone called her.  She was bright, attractive, kind, funny, wore great clothes, had a gorgeous flat, a very good job, a teenage son - and a terrible drink problem.  Shortly before this photograph was taken (it was at my wedding reception) she'd sold her flat, given up her job and gone to live on a houseboat in Dublin with the love of her life, a hard drinking musician of the Irish kind.  On November 22nd 2000 she left the pub, completely slaughtered, and, on negotiating the space between land and boat, fell over.  Her body was found floating in the canal the next morning. 

RIP, John and Yuvvy

(and Pete, Bruno, Billy and Kate)

My Life In Magazines

(I got the idea for this post from Twitter friend Katie Oliver, who very kindly said she didn't mind if I nicked her idea!  Here is her post:  http://katieoliver.com/ko/?page_id=27)

~~***~~~***~~~

I adored magazines, all through my teens, twenties and early thirties.  I loved reading the beauty articles, sure that if I did all the stuff they said I would be beautiful - now, of course, I see that their purpose is just to get you to buy the products.  How jaded one becomes!  But buying Cosmo, Elle, Honey, etc used to be such a pleasure of mine.  One thing I really enjoyed was getting the new copy of Slimming magazine and reading it whilst eating a bag of assorted toffees.  Don't you just love all those obese-to-slim true life stories - wow, did she really eat all that??!  

I rarely buy magazines these days, because I don't particularly want to read about  how to get my man, or, when I've got him, what he might or might not want to me to do behind the bedroom door... neither am I interested in career vs children articles, as I am past the age where I give a stuff, and the last time I made anything from a cookery article was in 1985 - the malibu milk jelly with the consistency of a rubber tyre was quite enough, thank you . 

I'd like to share with you now, though, my magazine memories - some of them you might remember well!

 

When I was a child, my sister and I used to get June & School Friend every week.  We actually got it between us - I can't remember us ever arguing about who read it first, though - maybe it was automatically Julia, as she was the eldest!  I can't remember anything about it at all, apart from one story called 'Swimming To Fame', about some girls who competed in swimming competitions (duh-uh!).  I was fascinated by all the different strokes, particularly the butterfly.  Didn't do me any good - I never got past half a width with a rubber ring!

From this children's comic we moved on to Jackie, which we got from about 1968 to 1971... I was a bit too young for it (age 9 in 1968) but young teenage magazines in those days weren't as they are now; the most risque thing you might read about was whether or not to snog on the first date.  

What most people remember most about Jackie is The Cathy & Claire Page - yes, the problem page!  How can I make him fancy me?  Why hasn't the boy I met on holiday replied to my letters?  How I longed to be grown up like those 13 year olds, wearing white lipstick and bell bottom trousers and going out with boys!  Then there were the pin-ups on the back page - long forgotten names like Jack Wild, Ben Murphy, George Best... and David Cassidy, of course!

By the time I was 12, I had my own magazine.  Every Saturday evening, all to myself - the wonder that was Fabulous 208!  Dig that groovy frock!

Fabulous 208 was, as well as being a teenage mag, all about Radio Luxembourg (the frequency of which was 208) - I used to listen to it all the time, with DJs Kid Jenson, Dave Christian, Mark Wesley....  I adored this magazine.  Saturday evening when it arrived was the highlight of my week.  My friend Sally and I used to ring each other up to discuss what was in it, cut out the pictures, etc... ahhhh!  These sort of magazines often featured some column allegedly written by a pop star - I think there was a David Cassidy one in Fab 208!  My friend Sally used to insist it was really by him - even then, I knew it wasn't.  Oh dear, maybe I was born jaded...

Another big favourite around this time was Disco 45, which was, if I remember rightly, just full of all the lyrics to songs in the Top 20 - I never sang, but I think I used to follow the lyrics when I heard the songs on the radio!

There - it was all of 5p!!

I then moved on to more girly magazines, none of which existed after the mid 1970s... Valentine, Mirabelle, Petticoat - and Romeo, and Look Now, but I couldn't find any pictures of them.  

It's a pity these pictures aren't a bit bigger; then you'd be able to see that they cost about 8p!

I must just move back for a moment here; I remember going to stay with Julia's godmother in the summer of 1971, when I was just 12, and sitting in her conservatory sneakily looking at a copy of her glossy, glamorous Vanity Fair...

.... and reading this article, furtively looking up to make sure no-one caught me reading it.  It was about a new book that had just been published called The Sensuous Woman, by some bird called 'J'.  In the interview with her she talked about oral sex - and I really, really did think that oral sex meant talking about it....

... back to the mid-seventies - who remembers those magazines you could buy in weekly parts, followed by all the binders to put them in?  My first serious boyfriend used to buy Supercook ~

We collected them faithfully, every week for what seemed like ever - I think I made about 4 things out of them!  Jiffy Tuna Surprise, Arroz Con Pollo, American Apple Pie, and some thing with pork chops and wine - and that's it! Jiffy Tuna Surprise (or just JTS) became our staple meal... tuna and onions and garlic and basil and curry powder, I think - I can still taste it! 

In the late 70s I loved Honey, and 19...

.... and, of course, the wonderful Cosmo!  That magazine taught me so much - I kid you not!  In this article I've tried to pick issues with the covers that I actually remember, and I loved this one in 1976 of Jerry Hall; I believe it came out around the time she danced with Bryan Ferry in the video for Roxy Music's 'Let's Stick Together' - that was in her pre-Jagger days, of course!

In the 1980s I also used to read Company (one of the best, I think), and Options - and I was also introduced, by my boyfriend of the time, to The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers...  

... and I remember, one day in the late 80s, my brother coming round with this brilliant new publication he'd discovered when he'd been up north :

.

 Viz- the magazine only puffs don't buy

... it was only about twelve pages long at the time, until it caught on and became available everywhere.  I still buy it now, sometimes.  My favourites are Modern Parents, The Critics, the Drunk Bakers, Mr Logic - and then there are the old favourites like Sid The Sexist, Paul Whicker the tall vicar - and the Pathetic Sharks!  I still love the Top Tips, too...

From about 1988 to 1992, going to see rock bands became a huge part of my life, and I used to buy Kerrang every week, along with Metal Hammer sometimes - though that was more heavy metal orientated, whereas I was into rock rather than metal, though of course there are areas where the two cross over.  Q came out around then, as well, though that was more of a serious music magazine.

..... and yes, I was at Donington 1990, though I'm not on the cover of this issue of Kerrang, which is probably just as well!

That's pretty much when I stopped buying magazines on a regular basis.  I moved onto Marie Claire for a while, but I found that, by then, I just wasn't very interested in many of the articles.  I find that many of them in such magazines as Red, She, Elle, etc sound as if they're going to be really fascinating - and then they're just not.  Either that or I've read them all before - or just, quite simply, that they're aimed at people younger than me.  So often I've bought one, finished reading it in about half an hour and thought well, that was a waste of £3.60, or whatever it cost.  So much of them, now, is just advertising - and I don't just mean the adverts!  I think the best women's glossy now is probably American Glamour, which I do get occasionally - I'm not ready to go onto Saga yet!.

What I would really love is to go to one of those fairs where you can buy old issues of the magazines and comics of your youth - I'd be in me glory!  I've still got a Jackie annual from 1973 - but I'd never sell it!  Well, it's got an article written by David Cassidy in it.....

How do you mend a broken heart?

I've been thinking about this a bit lately, having read a couple of books which feature a fair bit of heartache - and also writing my new novel, some of which is about the pain of lost love.


This has made me think about my own romantic past - and cringe a bit, too.  

It's 40 years (Jesus, that long??) since my first kiss, which is, I suppose, where my, um, eventful love life started!  Although I have experienced a few times the shock to the system, the period of adjustment, the loneliness and all the rest of the emotions that go with the end of a relationship, I've had my heart badly broken just once - and it was so bloody awful it had quite an impact on me and made me much more empathetic towards others who go through it.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  But I got over it, and went on to be 'better off without him', as people tell you you will be (and no, of course you can't see it at the time!)

When I thought about it in some depth again (nowt like 'writing what you know!') I realised there were a few things I did that really helped me get through it.  So I thought I'd write about it in the hope that even one of them might help someone else who's going through it now.

Names changed to protect the innnocent!

I met Nick when I was 30, and we were together for 6 years, living together for 4.  In 1996 he left me for someone else, though I'd suspected he was going off me for about a year.  I had never been so completely in love with anyone before, and did not feel that strongly for anyone again for quite some time afterwards.  When he left me I collapsed; I remember actually falling against the wall when he finally drove away.  I couldn't eat; I really couldn't, I retched when I tried.  I couldn't sleep, and the pain was so bad I didn't know how I was going to bear it - hey, if you've been there too, you'll know what I mean!  But in stronger moments I kept telling myself, every day I live through this is a day closer to getting over it.  I remember looking out of the back door onto the sunlit garden on the 3rd day (it was a Monday in late  May) and thinking, it's like this now, but it won't always be.  One day I will get over this, and then my life will be better, because I won't have to worry about losing HIM anymore - he was one of those men who was very hard to pin down...!

I'll start off with something positive - I lost the stone (or possibly more!) that I'd piled on over the past year and went blonde again (he'd liked me dark) - suddenly I looked and felt more attractive, and that did wonders for my confidence.  Even in my depths of despair I found myself trying clothes on that previously I couldn't get into, and thinking, wow!!!  This is usually the first good thing about any break up.... now, the rest of it....

About two days after he left me, I had a phone call from his mother, herself a veteran of many relationships.  We'd never been particularly close but we liked each other well enough.  As I was drinking my morning orange juice spiked with the vodka I needed like I needed cigarettes and air to breathe at the time, I listened to her.  She told me these things, which I took on board, and I'm so glad I did:

Don't take him back, if he asks.  He will find the shock to the system of the break up hard too, and may have a few 'oo-er' moments, but unless he can really show you that he's made a genuine mistake, he'll probably do it again some time, because the things that made him want to leave in the first place won't have gone away - and then you'll have to go through this all over again.  (Incidentally, Nick started playing around behind the back of my successor after 3 or 4 years, too - I just thanked my lucky stars I was out of it!)

Get out and start living your life again as soon as you possibly can.  Every day you do this is a day you're building up your new life apart from him/her. 

I'd also like to add these few words of wisdom of my own, because they're things I did that helped me - look, I won't keep doing the him/her he/she thing, okay?  If you're a chap reading this, just read the 'him' as 'her'!  I can't comment on what it's like when you have children, because I don't have any, and this is nothing about the practicalities of a break-up - just the way to help mend a broken heart.

Right - the first thing is, refuse to see him.  He may want to come round to talk to you, just to see you, because he will miss many things about your relationship, even though he doesn't actually want to be in it anymore.  Every time he leaves, though, you'll be hurting as bad as you were at the beginning, all over again.  Nick still wanted to see me; I told him on the day he left that it wasn't going to happen. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.  He tried; I just didn't answer the door.   This was before mobile phones were everywhere, thank goodness; must be so much harder now, with texting, Facebook and all the rest of it.

Watch the drink.  Everyone drinks a bit more when they're heartbroken; what I did was drink enough to blur the edges a bit but not enough to get totally slaughtered. On the one time I did, in the company of a friend who had a drink problem and wanted me to drink with her, using "it'll help" as an excuse to get me drinking as much as she did, I felt much, much worse, and then had to cope with the hangover depression in the morning, too.  Also, you run the risk of making those late night drunken phone calls that make you feel such a prat the next day.

At the beginning, you're in shock.  All your friends rally round.  In some ways this is the easy bit.  Give it two weeks down the line, though, and they'll expect you to be pulling yourself together a bit.  This is when the grief bit sets in, and sometimes you have to go through this alone.  Don't bore your friends witless. If you show them you're helping yourself, they'll be more likely to help you, too.  I had terrific, supportive friends, but they had things going on in their lives, too; I couldn't expect them to 'be there for me' all the time.

Rebound relationships - I'm in two minds about them.  I started one 6 weeks after Nick left, with someone who was totally wrong for me.  2 months later, I had to work out how to evict him from my life, too ...  I don't blame myself for this, because he was a twat, but I don't know that I should have got into the situation in the first place.  On the other hand, it turned my focus away from my broken heart.  So I'd say don't do it if a) you're just using the person, because it's not kind or b) it's someone who exhibits the sort of behaviour from which you would usually run a mile!  But a fling never hurt anyone, and can buck up your spirits.  Unless intimacy with someone else is likely to make you cry because it's not him, of course, in which case you're not ready for it.

This is a cliche, but it really works.  Think about all the bad things about them.  Nick was unreliable, late for everything, and a compulsive gambler.  He was horrendously untidy.  His gambling went in phases, but when he was 'on one' I would spend hours in casinos; it was the only way I got to spend any time with him.  Once he left, though, all this was over.  Hurrah!

Even during the first month, when your pain is at its worst, you will have whole half hours when you don't feel quite so bad.  Use these times to do something that will help you in the long run - things like packing up any of his remaining things and putting them away somewhere where you can't see them - thus, the sight of his favourite soup bowl will no longer set you off on another crying jag when you're in the next 'my life is over' phase!

Talking of getting rid of anything he's left behind, get a friend to be with you when you're doing it.  I got my brother to stand and talk to me in the bedroom while I moved all the furniture round - I made it look as much like a different room as possible!

Your favourite sad records.  Play them and cry.  Everyone has the ones that work for them - for me it was Aerosmith's 'What It Takes' and Thunder's 'Today The World Stopped Turning' - that title actually made me cringe to type it!  It's a bit of self-indulgence (especially coupled with the aforementioned carefully controlled drinking) that can help, just a little.
 

Make yourself look as good as you can.  Spend those lone, lonely evenings doing your nails and trying out different combinations of clothes, organising your wardrobe, plucking your eyebrows, applying your fake tan - whatever!  It sounds superficial, but looking your best never did anyone any harm, and increases your confidence.

Most women lose weight and have something fab done with their hair after a relationship break-up.  But it's such a bad idea to start deliberately turning up at places where you know he'll be, hoping to 'show him what he's missing'.  He knows what he's missing, he's seen it at its best and its worst and all the stages in between, and he's decided he doesn't want it anymore.  If you're just doing it to show him how great you look, and that you don't care, for your pride's sake, then yeeh-hah! Arrive there with a new man on your arm too, why not, it'll make you feel marvellous - just don't expect it to make him fall in love with you all over again!

When you're having a bad day, go to bed.  Have a long bath with lots of bubbles.  Wear a big furry dressing gown.  Sunbathe.  Do things that make you feel physically comfortable.  It won't make the bad day good, but it might make it just bearable.  I used to sit in the garden drinking my (weak!) vodka and cokes and crying.  The warmth of the sun on my skin made me feel better - oh, and I got a tan without noticing I was getting one, which was a bonus!  Don't try to do anything socially that you don't feel up to - it'll make you feel worse.  

If you go out to work, and it's at all possible, take some annual leave in the early stage.  Or explain to your superior that you need a bit of time off, and say why.  Collapsing into tears at work is horrible, and you probably won't be able to do your job properly anyway.

And finally.... once you're over it and you've moved on with your life (whether this takes 3 months or a year), be there for other people like they've been there for you - it might not be the same people, of course, but try to use the experience to help others through it a bit.  I don't mean to sound preachy or like some ghastly Pollyanna type, but doing this really is a way of getting the positive out of an awful experience.  I remember one day, about 3 weeks after Nick left me, I was sitting at home on a bright sunny morning feeling as though I wanted to end it all, when I got a card in the post.  It was from a friend of a friend, someone I hardly knew, but it was just a nice card to say that she was thinking of me.  It made so much difference to that day - it made me cry (in fact it's made me feel a bit teary thinking about it now!) but it helped SO much.  It made the day bearable.  

I hope this has been a help to anyone who is suffering at the moment.  You WILL get over it, and be happy again - maybe even happier than you were with HIM!

Amen!!